My Plans...God's Plans

Proverbs 19:21~ Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails.

This scripture has always spoken to me because in my very nature, I like to plan.  I plan everything...or I should admit, I tend to over plan.  I make lists and I consider every possible outcome and I come up with a plan b and c...because that's how I am.

Sometimes, God steps in and interrupts those plans.

In December 2010, my husband and I learned that we were going to have a baby.  We were so excited. I immediately set plans into motion and within weeks we were remodeling the kitchen, shopping for nursery furniture, and arguing over names.  And then...we lost the baby. We were devastated.

We waited three months and started to try for another baby. Again, I put my planning skills into work.  I used a fertility monitor and made sure we were...a hem...being intimate on the proper days. Month after month went by with no positive results. Finally, I made an appointment with a fertility specialist.

I appreciated working with the doctor. He had a plan!  I love plans!  I took medication, kept tracking my ovulation, and I eventually received several IUI's. After months of going through the routines, we learned that I was again pregnant.

I'll admit, I was nervous about this one.  I didn't immediately celebrate and it was in the back of my mind that we could have another loss. I was completely out of control in this situation and I hated being there. I'm much more comfortable when I am planning...

At 7 weeks, we went in for a sonogram to check for the heartbeat, which was there, but was very weak. The doctor gave us a 50% chance of having a healthy pregnancy.  I prayed.  I did all the things I knew to do.  I prayed Psalm 91 for my baby: Our baby dwells in the secret place of the Most High and shall remain stable and fixed under the shadow of the Almighty, whose power no foe can withstand...

I prayed that with all my might! I also sang to my baby, rocked her, read scripture to her...very aware that this might be my only chance to spend with this child while on this earth.

We were scheduled to return on the following Tuesday for another sonogram, but on Monday, I felt the baby leave. I felt the presence just leave my body and I knew...the sonogram confirmed it.  The heartbeat had stopped. Our baby was gone.

The following morning, I was in the shower and thinking about it all.  Had I missed something?  Had I failed to have enough faith?  Did I pray enough? And then, I remembered the prayer of Psalm 91 and it suddenly hit me- IT WAS STILL TRUE!  In fact, it was more true than it had been before- My baby DID dwell in the secret place of the Most High!!  My baby was indeed under the shadow of the Almighty!  I was instantly set free from my doubt because I had a revelation; Everything was OK!  My baby was with Jesus, my faith was intact, my marriage is solid, God was still on the throne!

My husband and I went back to trying to conceive, but we were not successful. We learned that our second loss was a healthy baby girl and we'll never know why I miscarried. Then, my beautiful grandson was diagnosed with a heart condition that has had him hospitalized for months. He's waiting for a new heart right now.

If I had not had that second miscarriage, my baby would have been born on October 17th.  This would have been a terrible time to bring a little one into the picture. I would not be available to fully support my daughter or make the bi-weekly trips to spend the weekend with them, four hours away.

God knew what was coming for my family.  He had a plan and, at the time, I didn't understand.  Now, I see that He was making decisions that were loving. The best thing is that I have two children waiting for me in heaven. I'll spend eternity with them, far longer than this time on earth. It was a loss and there was pain, but the coming joy will far outweigh all of it.

1 comment:

  1. Bless you for sharing such a deep part of your heart. Love to you, my friend. xoxo