My Confession, My Secret

I'm about to be very honest and real with you. I was raised in a religious home and I have heard about Jesus my whole life. I sang "Jesus Loves Me" as a child and I've heard that God loves me. I guess I believed that.

I made a commitment to Christ about twenty years ago. I set out on my faith journey under the wing of a solid church with sound biblical teaching. I've read my bible, sang the worship songs, and prayed a lot. There are times when my journey has been sidetracked and my faith activities have fallen by the wayside. My heart is committed to God, but I've let life get in the way from time to time. I've given myself excuses for doing things I knew that I ought not do.

Often, while talking with a Christian, I'll hear them proclaim their love for Jesus. I always agree, of course, because that what we do in church. I know the lingo and I know the proper phrases. Except, I had a secret, I really didn't know if I actually loved Jesus. I was certain that He was wonderful and He deserved every bit of my praise and respect, but I didn't actually feel 'love' and I was deeply ashamed of this. I did not want anyone to know. What kind of Christian doesn't love Jesus?

I heard a song about someone being excited to get to heaven because they couldn't wait to see Jesus face to face.  If I were honest, I'd admit that, at that time, I was more excited to get to Heaven to see my grandma because I desperately miss her. I felt so ashamed, and of course I would admit that to no one.

Over this past summer, I decided to start reading the gospels. Although I felt that I'd read them all, I wanted to read again, carefully. I started with John, reading one chapter each day, journaling  along the way.  I pulled each passage apart and looked for hidden gems that might help me to better understand.

The big shift started when I read about Jesus leaving us the Holy Spirit.  He said that the Holy Spirit had a lot of jobs and one of them was to teach us. A light bulb went off in my mind.  I started to ask the Holy Spirit to explain things to me as I read and there was an immediate shift. My bible exploded and my devotions took on a whole new level. Subtle nuances and insights into the character of Jesus were revealed.  I began to see Him in different, more tangible way. Instead of approaching my devotions as a chore or a 'faith activity'- I started to look forward to my time in the Word!

Recently, I was driving and talking to God.  I was thanking Him for so many things and suddenly, I was thanking Him for JESUS.  My heart started to swell and for the first time, I realized that I LOVE JESUS!  I actually LOVE HIM and I can honestly say that I am looking forward to meeting Him face to face, even a little more than I want to see Grandma.  (Sorry Grams, but you are already there so I bet you completely understand.)

If you are a Christian and you are not sure that you really love Jesus, please don't feel bad. You simply need a deeper revelation of who He is and then the love just pours into your heart.  Ask the Holy Spirit to teach you because that's His job!

1 comment:

  1. I so appreciate your honesty. I can completely relate with you. There was a time I knew the lingo, but my whole heart wasn't in it. I did things I am not proud of because my heart was elsewhere. Life completely changes when we allow the Holy Spirit to invade us. You are so precious to me! I am ever thankful to our wonderful Jesus for our friendship. Much love to you. <3